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A Good Wife
a message with love to Kimberly   
by pamela spurling 

I was so honoured to be asked to prepare and offer the devotional for the shower and celebration of the wedding of our friends Kimberly and Josh. I prayed the LORD would be honoured and that He would provide the message. And so for this week's Welcome Home message, I would like to share with you what I prepared for Kimberly. As you will see, there are countless things that could and ought to have been shared... but this was the message I hoped and prayed would be a blessing to her... and now, to you. This devotion was shared with the group assembled for the celebration... but my thoughts were for Kimberly and Josh... sharing with her as I would one of my own daughters.

A good wife...

Every woman preparing for her marriage prepares or hopes to be a good wife. The Word is filled with instruction on being a good wife... we have three choices,

We can choose:

A: to pursue being a good wife...according to what the Word says

B : to ignore what the Word and pursue our own way or to

C: to leave it all to chance and see what happens...

Sadly, the latter is how many marriages start out and many remain. It is so easy to see how one could come to the conclusion to just let "nature" take its course. I know that early in our marriage, I could not really understand why anyone would need marital counseling... or directions regarding how to be happily married or what to do to make a great marriage. All I knew was that we were very happy and we had no problems and therefore we needed no help. All we needed to do was be with each other---not do what our parents did---and we would be happy. Amazingly... time and circumstances proved that philosophy to be full of error. Because we did in fact do many of the things we saw modeled in our families ---even though we had determined NOT to do those things and we did need help understanding each other. We didn't know all there was to know.

Kimberly, last week we were talking about differences between men and women and how it is thought that men will never understand women and how it is possible for women to understand men... but I am thinking that the premise that we can figure them out is a false premise---and here is why. We are different. It's a fact... and it is this difference that will either make or break our marriages. If it is our goal to figure them out, then I believe we have a wrong focus... may I suggest that you will never be able to figure him out... because inherent in that is the selfish desire to win or to conquer and because that desire is contrary to God's design for marriage, that desire will be frustrated. But you can learn about him--- learn what makes him do and say the things he says and does and why he responds the way he does. That is why I will suggest to you that you become a student of your husband... much like I would suggest you be a student of the Word. This is the instruction I would give my own daughter. The Word is rich... it is fully all we need to be trained to be godly and obedient in our lives and marriages. 2Timothy 3:16 says: "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:"

Trust the LORD

Walk in His ways

Be Joyful

Be settled in Godly obedience

Be confident in your walk with God

Be a woman of prayer

Be a woman of your word.

Be pure in your thoughts

Be private

If you will purpose in your heart to study your husband and learn his ways, then the next thing I would like to share will make sense... and it is this: A wise woman studies her husband seeking his trust in her---and she walks obedient to the LORD. In Proverbs 31, we read of the virtuous woman... I believe this to be one of the most important and yet most misunderstood sections of Scripture ... and I believe this passage of Scripture should be called "desired passages of a woman's life..."

Proverbs 31---verse 10 says:

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

If you will notice... Proverbs 31is a listing of different things that a virtuous woman is or does... and the result of this disciplined or virtuous life.  But notice the very first thing on the list is not something she does, but is something her husband does. (verse 11) The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. This is the only verse I will focus on tonight... mostly because of our time limitations, but mainly because of the vital importance of understanding the meaning of this verse. If you will be a student of your husband, you will discover ways into his heart... you will discover why he decides to do what he does... you will learn what pleases and what frustrates him... you will learn of his secret fears and longings... you will learn of his past hurts, disappointments and testings... you will learn to compliment him and his ways and you will learn to how to be the blessing of his life. The LORD has created you to be the compliment to your husband... I remember Pastor Grady referring to this at Lindsey's wedding---saying women are to be the completer, NOT the competer!! I know this is a very controversial statement to make in this day of equality, women's rights and equity in marriage... but I make this statement because this is what the LORD says in the Word. There is no room for self-centeredness in being a compliment. Women so often miss the blessing of a joyful marriage because they are so wrapped up in their own past hurts or current difficulties... that they are not a joy to be around and the husband's heart and thoughts begin to wander... Selfish ambition has no place in a godly marriage. The amazing thing about completing our husbands and the wonderful outworking of that completion is that we will find true fulfillment---but this fulfillment will only come if we are pure in our motives to be the compliment the LORD has designed us to be. The world screams a different message than this one... but I assure you the Word is true and the LORD cannot lie or lead you into a place that contradicts His Will. If you will purpose to be a joyful wife---one who overlooks inconveniences and seeks to bless her husband... you will be drinking from your saucer 'cause your cup has over-flowed.

In 1 Peter 3.4 we read: "But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." This is a lifetime study for the virtuous woman. No man likes a loud, selfish, or brash woman... that kind of behavior will never win the heart of her husband. "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil." A husband who knows his private thoughts and dreams are kept safe and confidential in the heart of his wife, rests safely trusting in her. Over time, he is secure in her love because she is trustworthy. When a husband sees that his wife desires to be obedient to the LORD and His Word, that she places his needs above her own: she wins his heart---his heart safely trusts in her. He knows he can count on her... he depends upon her. When he knows he is not competing with her she will be his blessing and he will treasure her. This, then, will be your blessing! Men are different than women that is for certain... and while many joke about the needs of the man being different than the needs of a woman in the area of intimacy in marriage... it is the wise wife who will work with this difference and seek to meet this need. This need to which I am referring is tied to the most significant need the man has and that is his need and longing to be noticed, desirable and needed. When your husband knows he is preferred above all others, he will rest secure in your love. This need for intimacy is stronger than a need for food or other comforts. This need is more powerful than the need for money or vocational advancement. This need craves to be met. It is the driving force of a man. It is the wise wife who will study it and seek to meet it... though I personally believe she will never fully understand it. I believe further that she would be foolish to think she can conquer or overrule it. This passion cannot be conquered. The wise wife will learn to be a compliment... she will become his passion... she will be the sparkle of his eyes and the blessing God intended her to be for him. So, back to our verse in Proverbs 31... The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  We can readily see why this is first on the list of the qualities and achievements of the virtuous woman... it is because it is the most important...and I pray you will treat gently and carefully, and treasure this gift the LORD has prepared for you: his heart... it will be your most treasured possession. And I will pray for you.....


We are trusting God for His perfect work here and for great blessing in their lives because they walk with Him. It continually amazes me the growth and change that occurs continually in this couple. I see evidences of the handiwork of the LORD regularly. They are an inspiration to me and to my husband. It is refreshing and encouraging to spend time with them... their love is sweet and fresh. Their commitment to God is inspirational, too. The main thought that continually comes to mind when I think of them is how creative and how awesome the LORD is. I become teary frequently when thinking of how the LORD is meeting their individual needs in the other. It brings to memory the similar feelings I experienced watching our son and daughter-in-law as they prepared to be married and to blend their lives. I marvel at the preciseness of the LORD's timing for them and now I see it for this couple ----how He is providing in and through them the very things for which the other has longed. We have heard stories or see areas in his life which have never had the loving care that she will bring him and areas in which she has had to lay down her independence to gain what she deeply desires. It is truly a living picture of the LORD's design for marriage---that He takes us as we are and molds us and shapes our lives together and forms our marriages into the picture He has designed. Also, that it is God's will that we lay down our lives to be raised up with Him...that we must be emptied so that He can fill us. It seems convoluted the way the LORD is meeting their needs---in fact it is ironic the way so many other new relationships are being "born" or strengthened or renewed because of this---their love, their relationship. Amazing...the handiwork of the LORD. These verses come to mind... Jeremiah 32.17, 27: "Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee... Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?" I share all this with you this week to inspire you to renew your commitment to your husband... to the LORD... and to your family. This message is being sent to you also with the prayer that you would say "Yes," to your husband all over again... knowing what you now know... with all the experiences you have shared... the beautiful times and the difficult seasons... that you would be renewed in your commitment and again say: "I do. I do again. I do again...forever." Ephesians 5.25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" I pray that we would be refreshed in our commitment to live with our husband's in such a manner as it would be a joy for them to love us... and give themselves for us. And that we would not frustrate the grace of God. May the LORD be with you, bless you and keep you as you endeavor to love and serve Him.


pamela spurling ~ The Welcome Home ~ 2000   19992010   PO Box 2130 Snohomish, Washington 98291 USA
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