The Welcome
Home Message
Are You
Looking Around?
pamela spurling
Today I want to share with
you something that continues to be a theme over the years---as I
talk with or hear from women in situations they’re discontent with.
One of the common themes is trust and respect. Think of the matter
of trust... it takes years to build and a moment to crush. Respect
is kind of like this---it takes time to build, but unlike trust
which can be dashed in a day, respect erodes little by little... a
remark here, a missed opportunity there, a careless word here and an
insensitive gesture there. Slowly the foundation of respect suffers
cracks and stress fractures. Little comments, resentment, little
quarrels, disappointments, little splinters that become agitated
sore spots... passing thoughts that become daily patterns of
thinking and then accompanied by negative behaviour and
attitudes---until slowly respect is seemingly gone.
You want to know one of the
greatest tragedies in a marriage? It's not when the husband starts
looking around... though that is an immensely painful tragedy... and
I don’t want to minimize the horrible impact on a marriage. But
what I want to share with you today is a real tragedy in the
Christian home: one of the greatest tragedies is when a dissatisfied
wife starts Looking around... lingering on and entertaining the
"what if..." thoughts, and the "if only..." thoughts. Thoughts
that turn into statements… bitterness… critical behaviour and words.
The erosion of respect happens a thought at a time. One of the most
damaging assaults to a man is to know that his wife is looking
around... demonstrating to him her discontent with who he is and
what he provides.
Are you looking around?
Now, I know that some of
the messages I share seem a bit hard, maybe too cut and dried, too
conservative or too simple and from time to time I’ll be telling you
things that may sting a little, many times they stem from personal
experiences from which scars remain; other times the experiences I
share are not my own, but are experiences I've observed in others or
that others have shared with me. Whatever the case, I pray to share
messages that are based on the Word of God and that will ultimately
bless your life in some way. I know that some of you might be
hurting with pain and heartache you feel no one could ever
understand or even know of, some of you can tell now one the pain
you carry in your heart. I know I sometimes sound saccharine-sweet
about some aspects of life and marriage---believe me, I really do
understand the anguish some marriages undergo; the pain that is part
of the history of some marriages. If you’re not experiencing joy in
your life or in your marriage, I know it’s hard to hear of a
joy-filled marriage or of praising the LORD for His work---or it’s
hard to even hope that someday things could be different...even
delightful for *you.*
So then, if this is the
case with you, with this message I pray that you will *pray* and
*seek* the LORD in your marriage and that you will seek, from this
day forward, to *do* those things which the LORD has called *you* to
do. That you will seek to respect the husband the LORD has given
you, to joyfully serve him, to be a fragrant offering to the LORD in
your home as you seek to be a compliment to your husband. The help
*meet* for him. I tell you the truth: there is great joy in
obedience to the LORD.
I pray again, like I have
shared with you on several occasions, that you would no longer
*compete* with your husband for the role that God designed for him
but that you would seek to *complete* him in the role that God
designed for you. No more looking around... no more comparing... no
more resentment... no more wasting time on things that diminish your
joy and produce no fruit in your life or in your home... no more
looking around at the "might be's" or looking back at the "might
have been's."
No more looking around.
You have the blueprints!
Have you ever wondered
about the wording of the text of Scripture or of the commands of the
LORD and why the specific wording for specific commands? The more we
read and study the Scriptures, the more we see how precisely they
were written and the purpose for which they were given. Consider:
Ephesians 5.22, 32-33
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the
Lord....This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and
the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love
his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her
husband."
Christian psychologists and
popular Christian authors are writing books uncovering startling
"new" ideas and revelations about the differences between men and
women...understanding these differences and working with them are
ideas that are being heralded as newly discovered keys to success or
happiness in marriage... but who thought of these?... are they
really new? No, surely not... the LORD had these differences covered
long ago... even before the Word was written---since the beginning,
God created differences on purpose---for His purposes. Then when He
gave us the written Word, these differences were included and
specific commands were given. So then, the Bible really is a
blueprint or a handbook for marriage... there is great specific
reason for the wording in Ephesians 5.21-33. God in His wisdom
commanded for us to do things that don't come naturally for us but
are the very things that will provide the blessing and the love we
so desperately long for and desire. And it's all part of the great
and wonderful mystery of God's design.
I have an acrostic for
Respect
R
This is for Reverence. Wives are to reverence their husbands. The
greatest need a man has is to be respected or reverenced (by his
wife). He needs to know that he is revered above all other men...
that he is the one you admire, he is the one you respect. God in
His wisdom knew that this teaching would be necessary and thus
commanded it in His word. In the same way, one of women's greatest
needs is love that's why God commanded it and why the wording in
Ephesians:
5.25: "Husbands, love your
wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for
it;" Respect or reverence is not a feeling or an emotion, but a
decision not based on circumstances but based on personal resolve to
obey the LORD.
E
This is for encouragement. A wise wife will be an encouragement to
her husband. She will look for ways to improve herself, the home,
and the processes in the home. She will look for ways to be more
careful with the finances and with the needs of the home. She will
look for ways to encourage her husband that he need not worry about
the way the home is being run, about where the money is being spent,
or about how she is spending her time. She will look for ways to be
joyful and contented... for there is nothing more DIScouraging
to a man than to be around a bitter and discontented wife.
S
This is for sexual pleasure. Along with respect, sexual
gratification is the greatest need a man has. It is greater than
his need for food or for a home or shelter---though these are great
needs. It is the force that drives him. A woman may not understand
it nor share its intensity, but the wise wife who seeks to
understand it by regularly meeting or feeding this need will
experience the greatest blessing in her own life and that is her
personal need to be loved and cared for.
She looks for ways to bless
him by the way she anticipates his sexual needs. She plans for
these times and prepares herself just for him this is one of the
reasons his heart safely trusts in her. Intimacy in marriage gives
the man opportunity to love his wife, (Ephesians 5.28 "So ought men
to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife
loveth himself.") and to demonstrate he cherishes and pleases her. I
cannot stress the importance for the husband to know that his wife
finds him pleasurable and desirable. Song 2.3 "As the apple tree
among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat
down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to
my taste."
P
This is for preference. A husband needs to know that he is preferred
above all other men... that who he is and what he has to offer is
preferred by the wife above what any other man: is, does, has,
offers.
The respected husband is
preferred over activities, children, hobbies, friends...and he will
surely know it if he's not! Ways a wise wife can demonstrate this
is to never miss his phone calls, remember the things he might
request to be done each day, preparing the foods he prefers or
arranging the schedule in a manner he prefers, wearing the fragrance
he prefers, the hairstyle or clothing he prefers. It really takes
very little to arrange one's life around the preferences of
another... the benefit, the blessing and the grace of God is
abundant.
E
This is for esteem. Men need to know that they are appreciated and
exciting. They need to know that they are desired above all other
men. That's why I share with you about the dangers of a wife
looking around to see what other husbands are like and what they are
doing for their wives and negatively comparing the others to ones
own husband.
Their faults or
shortcomings need to be overlooked... this will make the strengths
increase and the weaknesses diminish. A man who hears good things
about himself, his work, his accomplishments, and his abilities will
be a man who knows he's respected by his wife.
C
This is for committed to
Christ. We have the wonderful teaching in God's Word that pertains
to wives behaviour and her influence on her husband. "Likewise, ye
wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not
the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation
of the wives;" 1 Peter 3.1 You see, even if your husband is not a
believer, the LORD can be honoured in your home by the way you
behave and your husband must still be reverenced by you.
I hear time and again how
husbands were drawn to the LORD or to a deeper walk with the LORD by
observing the chaste conversation and behavior of their wives---how
their wives purity and commitment to the LORD compelled them to seek
Him or more fully serve Him. So... the wife who is obedient,
prayerful and committed to Christ will be a heavenly blessing to her
husband. He will be won over by her pleasant conversation.
Proverbs 31.30 "Favour is
deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD,
she shall be praised."
T
This is for thankfulness. A husband needs to know that his wife
(and children!) is thankful for what he does---thankful for him, who
he is and what he provides. I don't know any man who enjoys coming
home to or being around a wife who is ungrateful... or unthankful
for what he does or for who he is. A man will be slowly worn down,
slowly degraded, slowly lose joy with a wife who is unthankful,
ungrateful, complaining. Unthankfulness is a the great destroyer.
Thankfulness is health and life! The greatest blessing for a man is
to come home to a joyful wife who is thankful to see him---and
demonstrates it! Thankfulness is a virtue... "A virtuous woman is
a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness
in his bones." -Proverbs 12.4 "And let the peace of God rule in
your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye
thankful."--- Colossians 3.15
Ephesians 5.32-33 "This is
a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife
even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
Reverence
Encouragement
Sexual pleasure
Preference
Esteem
Committed to Christ
Thankfulness
Attention to these will
leave no time for looking around. No time for discouragement
because in these will your husband be exceedingly blessed by
you---and you will experience sweet joy. The fruit of obedience.
Resolve today: No More Looking Around---It's Time for Respect!
God Bless you!
---pamela